MS and Me finding peace
57MS a Wedding and Me
When my neurologist told me in January, I now had secondary ms. I hardly reacted and pushed it to the back of my mind. Unfinished business has a nasty habit of hanging around; your forever having to brush off the need to deal with it, I had a lifetime of experience of not facing up to my problems in fact I was quite the expert.
I had this coping mechanism of not talking about bad stuff and pretending its not real. Seven months I got away with constantly pushing my fears about the future, to the back of my mind. My Niece was married in July and I have always been very close o her, I love her as if she were my own. I managed to say well for her special day and I was so proud of myself. The wedding was a beautiful loving experience, there was a joke about a guy in pop idol stating he could feel the love in the room; I promise you on this day you really could.
I began to go down hill in the following six weeks and I knew that a bummer of a relapse was on its way, I was still managing to avoid facing this head on and pretending it was not happening. Demi brought her wedding video round one evening and I was so excited, the beauty of a wedding video is you get to see everything that happened on the day.
The video was as wonderful as the day itself, until the first dance. Steve and I joined the bridal party on the floor and suddenly ten years of suppressed emotions hit me, as I realised I may not be able to dance at my own daughters wedding. I cried painful tears and was unable to control myself; me Jennifer the expert and hiding my emotions had lost control. It took me two months to turn it round, I had no choice but to talk about how I was feeling, my ability to push the bad stuff away was lost. I am sure what happened was classed a a breakdown, I didnt need to see a doctor or take medication; the answer to my recovery lay in my acceptance of what was happening to my body.
The relapse came with a vengeance my sight and legs are badly affected and so far the treatment I have had has not been successful. Every day I am learning to adjust to my new situation a little bit more, I am facing it head on and seeking solutions to each obstacle, rather than hiding my fears away. There will be no fairytale ending for me but I am dammed if I am going to let this disease control me. I had the pleasure of being part of Demi's and Webster's first dance on their wedding day, I now have a focus for the future, If Keira was to marry someday 'somehow someway I will dance the first dance'.
Jennifer
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Oops unco-ordinated fingers !
"Iso ffel" should say "I so feel"
Hi Kath
The loss of future is very difficult to deal with, every night I close my eyes wondering what tomorrow will be like. I spent so very long keeping these feelings to myself, the total freedom I now feel, having spoken out for the first time since my diagnosis is very enabling.
I implore any newly diagnosed or those who believe like I did; if we dont talk about it its not real, to speak openly and honestly to friends and family; they respect you more for it.
Recently my daughter informed me how very uncool I am, my music is boring and I dont understand modern fashion. I felt so proud that I was receiving the same insults as most parents trying to raise a pre-teen. You see Keira felt confident enough to treat me as she would have done were the MS not part of our lives.
I feared so much that she would resent me for having a disability, as Keira knows nothing else I am normal to her. I spent a couple of hours this evening giving her a pedicure and manicure, she loves the attention and I feel part of her life. I may not be able to run round the block bit I give a great manicure/pedicure, I have my uses.
I realised during the last two months I am a good mum, we cook together,do homework together even watch TV together. So many able bodied parents do not have this precious time with their children, they are to busy running about shopping etc I do mine online.
This is so not easy but I have found a way of coping, this does not mean I will no longer feel fear or cry tears; I have got to keep reminding myself of the positives. I have much living to do and the ms is coming along for the ride.
Thank you for your comment and your informative website is a wonderful tool in understanding this disease a little better.
Jennifer
Kath 2 years ago
Hi Jennifer
Iso ffel the emptions youa re going through but o9f course mainly because I expect to be int he same situation one day and I mourn that I 2wont be able to dance at my sons' wedding (either of them) I remember when they were young I used to be sad I couldn't run around with them and now they are 11 and 12 they seem to accept it all as "normal" But we know it's not "normal" and the silent rage against this condition that has put us where we are goes on.
I'm so imprewsed that you are learning to focus on the future and your story is inspiring. May you be blessed with many more years of optimism and very few years of despair.
Kath
ps I hope you don't mind but I plan to mention this Hub on my blog and direct people to it.